Cloudy Skies and Rain

I frown on dewy mirror

 hazy

 and reflecting my own

  ugly contorted image



Dark day black day

 as I walk out

  and drench myself


Where tears

 disappear

  in the falling rain



--andoy, 25 April 1989

Room, Rooming, Roomed

Figure
Figures
Fig-
 
  ures
    naked in the dust
Dust covered
 
            bodies
   
naked out of lust
Dawn
Dawn
    dawning
light
    fleeing
         
    aflight
Towards
    dusk
and
the dank smell of musk

The dark
    covers
them
cowerign cowards
Refuge
Refugee
   
from day's
    forsaken womb
Tandem
   
groping in nether light
Lamp
    Lamp and its
broken night

Lover's flagon
    dragon-seed
of doom
Caress
Caresses
    the need of the
moon-
         lit cavern
Whence
come
    Love's tender swoon
Comuppance
 
  of kisses exchanged
Hands
Hands
Hand-
 
  some couple
    communing
With
all-encompassing hunger
Driving forth
   
forthwith withdrawn
    machine-like
thrusts
Lance-
    and rapier-like
   
     lunge

Sounds
   
soundless gasps
Breathing
    breathe's
breadth
    parting
    panting after
it
Sounds
    echo and echo
   
with nonesuch
Sounds
    of love
   
     and lust
Echo
Echoing
   
deafening in the silence
of their lovemaking
   
     cast

Soft
Soft-
   
ly speaking bodies
Tongues of fire
    dancing
 
       whirling
A wind
   
winded

Tensed
Supple
Supple-
   
menting one another's
Rhythmic
       
 pendulum
of softness
       
 tensing
Tensed
    receiving from
tension
Bearing noises up high

Up
Up
Up-
 
  on an aerie
           
       they swoop
       
                down
 
            and down-
   
and down-
               
   wards
    they descend
   
     plummeting
       
 surrendering
       
 neverending
Dance
Dances
Danc-
   
ing primitive dances
Thin-
Thinking
   
primitive thoughts

Tear
Tear
Tear-
   
ing to wear
The spring
    winds
   
     down
A breeze
   
flutters
Manageable momentum
    atop an
 
       eagle's nest
Within
   
the earth's
    bosom and breast

The head
 
       falls
       
 and necks
         graceful
swan's necks
Converge
         to
meet
Lips
         and tongues
 
       upon mouth and teeth

Dizzy
 
  dizzy
         dizzy-
 
            ingly
Dazzled

--andoy, 5 December 1983

There Was A Girl Whose Eyes I Saw

One
night was I was walking
    I saw a pair of
eyes
Dark Orbs
    suspended in life
   
timeless
And deep
Far looking deep
Flickering like a
candle

Speaking unknown words
Undecipherable of
meaning
    It held
    and kept
 
  and locked
Me away
Transporting me far
   
to where I have always been
But near to where
   
I should have hope to ever be
It closed
   
turned to look elsewhere
I turned
    and closed
to look somewhere
    anywhere but the prison I'm
held to

By dark orbs
Speaking something captivating
 
  yet I don't fully understand

--andoy, 22 August 1985

Gandalf

I first heard of Gandalf during the summer term after my first year. My friend Glenn narrated the story of the "Lord of the Rings" and the "Silmarillion" one evening while we were sitting in the field in front of Men's Dorm.

After that, I borrowed "The Lord of the Rings" from the library, and kept on borrowing it and re-reading the novel. When Unwin re-released the book, I was able to buy my own copy of the novel. Sad to say, the Unwin copies I owned got lost because some friends borrowed and did not return them. There was one volume, though, Volume III Return of the King, which another friend borrowed and replaced with a different (not Unwin) reprinting. That particular volume, I still have with me. And it has two bookmarkers: a bus ticket to Los Banos, and a Summer 1981 Registration Form (also called Form 5).

--andoy
30 December 2004

Baker Hall III (Marlo's Graduation Swim)

My friend Marlo was several years ahead of me. When he was finally confirmed for graduation, he celebrated with his friends and org-mates at one of the drinking places just outside the campus. They walked home to their respective dorms around midnight and while passing by the Administration building there was some jostling near the fountains forcing Marlo into the water. Since most of them were already wet, they decided to have a swim at Baker Hall.

Since it was April, it was quite warm, and his clothes were wet, he walked to the dorm in his briefs carrying his wet clothes. It just so happened that the guard on duty was Aleli. It was 2:00 in the morning, Marlo was dripping wet, walking to the dorm in his shorts and the lady guard was on duty. Pity I wasn't there to see that. That would have been fun.

Who cares? Marlo was out of there. And Aleli was a good sport. You wouldn't want to tangle with her though.

--andoy

Walking Around The Oval II

There was one instance when there was a typhoon which hit the country. It was already Signal No. 3 and there were still classes because somebody forgot to tell the students and teachers. Anyway, the students were just living within the campus so there was no need to tell them that classes were suspended. After the suspension of classes was confirmed, there were no jeeps plying the campus anyway so everyone had to walk. There were no jeeps because there were no passengers to begin with, and there were trees which have already fallen and blocked the streets.

Having nothing to do, me and my friends walked around the oval just for the heck of it. It was not everyday that you were walking around campus in the middle of a storm, with branches falling from trees to the streets and sidewalks. Cheap thrills, really.

After 20 years, I don't remember what we discussed. I do know that one of those I was perambulating with was Rach. It was a crazy afternoon, we were all wet, the dorms had no running water, and no electricity on campus. She was taunting me because even if she was wearing a jacket, her t-shirt was drenched. She would open her jacket and show her wet t-shirt, "Andoy, look."

After 20 years, I forget if I did look or not. I guess I did not, because if I did I would have remembered.

--andoy

Walking Around The Oval (Part I)

The oval is the large block of land fronting the Men's Dorm and Women's Dorm. Around the oval are other dorms, Baker's Hall, the Student Union and the Auditorium. For all intents and purposes, it is an empty piece of land, principally used as the February Fair grounds and for the Graduation Ceremonies. On one end, it has a football pitch, a softball diamond AND a baseball diamond.

A great promenade place to walk around in as well as for jogging. Roughly around 800 meters around, joggers go around it almost in all hours. I've even had the opportunity to run around it at midnight with some friends. The only problem about the oval is that it not a tree-lined or shaded block. Maybe when the trees grow tall enough.

Most times though, this is where we walk and talk. Maybe two or three times around the block and me and my friends would find a place to sit down, maybe near the middle of the block, and continue talking for hours. One of my friends narrated to me the Silmarilion, while we were under the stars, sitting on the field. Couples normally just sit there on the field, staking out a portion of land as witness to sweet nothings.

--andoy, 5 December 2004

Ang Bundok

These are scanned images of the "Ang Bundok" playbill. It was staged in February,. 1984. That was an interesting time, school year 1983 to 1984. Almost like the ancient chinese curse. "May you live in interesting times."

--andoy

Counsellors

I became a member of several organizations on-campus. One of these was called Student Counselors Organization. This was originally created by the Student Affairs office to properly handle, orient and guide freshmen. Freshmen were enrolled in blocks, ensuring that these new students would the same faces as classmates for all of their first semester classes, and if they were lucky, also for the second semester. The blocks themselves were composed of students who were taking up the same course. This had the added effect of making sure that they would have a support group for their complete stay in the university and beyond.

When the notion of block counselors started out, there were several groups which had their own agenda. The guidance counselors wanted to develop student leaders and student activism. On the other hand, the various university organizations also had their agenda, that of handling students of the same course or college as a recruitment pool once the freshmen became eligible for membership.

The Student Counselors Organization was formed by several counselors who saw a need for a more independent and mature group of people who would undergo training in group handling and peer counseling. The ideals were met but the individual agenda was not something easily eradicated or hindered. Individual counselors still used the
counselling experience to filter possible candidates for their other organizations. There are rules in place which does not allow organizations to recruit freshmen members. During the second year however, it's open season for recruitment. The counselors are not supposed to be positioning their organizations, but some use their
influence with their blocks so the students would be applying in these other organizations.

--andoy

Sitting Under a Tree

At the University of the Philippines there is a maximum residency
rule. It means that a student has to finish his course in at most
one-and-a-half times the prescribed period (excluding leaves of
absences also called LOA). This means that if you are enrolled in a
four-year course, you have to finish it in a maximum of six years.
And if enrolled in a five-year course, the student has to finish in
seven and a half years. This was instituted during the mid-1970's to
curb eternal students who just also happen to be political activists.

There was a notable exception to that rule, however. If you were
already enrolled prior to the implementation of the rule, then you are
exempt from it. Which is what one of the dorm residents was. Antoy
had on his seventh-year going on eighth when I first was introduced to
him. He was taking up Agriculture and majoring in Agronomy or Animal
Husbandry. If he was a farmer, the farm might have been in the middle
of Tondo. I don't even know what province he came from, and I never
heard him speak in anything but Tagalog. Not even when drunk did he
speak in English. He makes it a point to scare off freshmen during
the first semester. Just for fun.

He once pointed to a tree in front of the dorm, by then it was around
fifteen or twenty feet tall with benches around it so the students can
sit under its shade, and casually mentioned that it was planted during
his freshman year. Last I heard from him he was working in a
crocodile farm in Palawan. And you needed to ride the company
helicopter to get there.

The tree itself was several steps from the dorm entrance. And it was
quite common to see people sitting under it at almost all hours of the
day (or night). There was one instance when I was sitting with a
friend talking about things or not talking about anything for that
matter. With friends, talking or not talking is much the same in most
respects. As it was near the entrance we didn't much pay attention to
the noise or the music. There was music and we were hearing it.
Again, not paying any attention, we thought that the music was from
the covered walkway where someone might by playing a flute or
recorder. It did not sound like taped music, as it would stop and
play, hesitate and trying to find the right notes. Whoever was
playing the flute or recorder, knew how to play and enjoyed playing
it. After some time, my friend and I got up and walked back inside
the dorm. And as we got to the entrance (just a heartbeat away,
really) we looked back at the bench to see if we left anything.
Looking up at the sky, we saw above on one of the branches was the
source of the background music, another dorm resident playing his
recorder.

--andoy

Archery Practice

Baker Hall III

One of those lazy afternoons I joined a friend of mine shoot some arrows. He taught me how to notch the arrow, and position my arm (and elbow) so'd the string would not scrape my skin. Archery is not a trivial sport. It asks the archer to pay attention to details, at the very beginning when you first hold the bow. Archery teaches an object lesson in life. Hold tight, draw tight, turn your elbow tight, and let go. You don't hold tight, the bow bounces back to you. You don't draw tight, the arrow will not fly. You don't turn your elbow in, you get your skin scraped.

And then there's the level of difficulty in archery at UPLB: it's at the second floor (or balcony) of Baker Hall. If the arrow does strays it either flies out the window to the outdoor basketball court, or it strays to the indoor basketball court on the first floor.

I was too busy concentrating on my elbow, not to notice my score. Good thing that the arrows hit the target. No bull's eye though, just safely hitting the target without incident is enough for me.

I never did go back and shoot any more arrows with my friend.

--andoy

Love Songs

Love songs are blunt
nowadays
Actually saying nothing but
take me
take me away
It doesn't matter
For even before the song is sung
the meaningless sets in
takes away
the love
and the song

Ending in a howl or a cry
of sexual satisfaction
or of heartbroken
and frontal rejection

Love songs echo the generation
and even as a spurned lover
sings
and cries
in a corner
of his room his world
his
or hers
cries too usually
in a corner

At the cruelty
meted out
at the partnership

Cries and moans
presently mean more
and stand for
Love songs useless

--andoy, 21 September 1987

The Days Pass in Silent Agony

The days pass
in silent agony
of anticipation

For only so often
do we see
each other now
and sometimes
the absence is too long

And the days pass
and teh day comes
and we walk
together basking
in each other's glow
of expentant silence
punctuated
by knowing glances
and sly peeks
at one another

Vanity seeps through
as we prance
infront of each other
and of everyone else

Letting the public know
who we are
and what we are

And the day ends
safe in each other's
company
as we hug in secret
in the secrecy
of our one safe haven
that of our nearness
each in thought

The days will pass
and another opportunity
will arise
the days will pass
in longing
and in remembrance

--andoy, 21 September 1987

Lost People

Lost people
dazed eyes peering blindly on a rubble
of stones documenting civilized world
as it ended

All in a heap of stones and burned stumps

Lost people
forgetting the word
Survival
for they are that
Suspended from their thoughts
another word more timely more natural
Recosntruction

Builders after a fashion
And only after succeeding time
has frozen disbelief
forever etched
Treachery forever etched
In lost people's eyes

--andoy, 21 September 1987

I Love You and More

I love you
but the words fall empty
in these empty halls of longing
nothing means anything

I love you and I love you
and more and more

--andoy, 13 August 1987

The Night Begins Without Us Hanging Out

The night begins without us hanging out
haunting gazes speak softly at our absence

Silence too speaks between us
far from the childish darkness
Light delivers us to ourselves
illuminating thoughts harrying hie
Your breast moves
And moves
And I...

Daylight blinds us after a night out
away from lamps lightes
Morning wakes yearning continuance
of a night not lost out
Morning daybreak lighting empty cupboards
and empty kitchen
Even as we reiterate
spawned movement
I kiss
And kiss
And you...

Morning moves
sunrise unenlightened

--andoy, 13 August 1987

Poems

I wrote my first poem in Grade 4 as a seatwork. And during the 1980's I really started to write a whole lot of poems. And then I practically stopped writing poems after I got married in 1988. It tricked down to nothing during the 1990's.

I still have most of the original notebooks of my poems. And after browsing these poems with hindsight of 20 years, there are some which I cannot understand. For the likes of me I could not see the imagery nor the play of words. They do not mean anything to me anymore.

There are several poems though which stand out and look new. These may have meant something then, and I may not remember the original meaning, however, these poems have a possibly different meaning to me now.

After all these years I am still trying to find meaning in these poems I wrote so many years ago.

--andoy

Baker Hall II

During the 1980's the majority of the UPLB football team were from
Iloilo. And there were several who used Baker Hall as their dorm.
Until now, I'm not sure why they resided there. Since there was no
real kitchen facility, these football players cooked over an open fire
at the back of the building.

The buildings normally had no 24-hour security personnel standing
guard, and the University Security Force (part of the Philippine
National Police) drove around the campus and randomly pointing their
searchlight wherever they fancy. I don't know if that did anyone any
good. It was supposed to be a deterrent. There was not much crime
inside the campus. There were still several deaths but these are not
usually due to crimes.

Because of this, it was quite common to do some midnight swimming at
the Baker Hall. We'd just climb the fence of the swimming pool strip
down to our suits or shorts and frolic in the pool. Even if we went
midnight swimming with the girls, there was rarely any fooling around.
Swimming at Baker Hall in the middle of the night was crazy enough.
I don't know how to swim. I can almost float, and I know I can sink.
I can stay long enough under water and try to swim. But that is as
far as I can go. Nobody really dove into the pool, we'd wade in to
the water and those who cared to swam laps. While the others (me
included) would play around, diving between legs, or laze and float on
their backs. Normal do-nothing play-around stuff you'd do in the
water.

--andoy

Baker Hall

The gymnasium is called the Baker Hall. It has the admin offices of
the Phys. Ed. instructors, a weights room, equipment lockers, an
indoor multi-purpose basketball, volleyball, badminton) court, second
floor balcony (with the archery targets!), tennis courts, pelota
courts, outdoor basketball court and a swimming pool. And ghosts, of
course.

UPLB served as an interment camp during World War II. And the main
camp for POWs and Allied nationals was at the Baker Hall. Legend has
it that the building had a basement, and that this was sealed after
the war. The basement was supposed to be where the internees were
killed by the Japanese. While I was at Los Banos, I never checked if
this was true. Everyone else took this as fact. Los Banos was also
the where General Yamashita was tried and hanged.

--andoy

Moonlight

Moon scattering toad
swimming in a pond

Shimmering shadow cast on the ceiling
Window overhang catching this
this gauze reflection
this haughty dance
this aurora visiting

Moon scattered to pieces
flying together
evading self of selves still
Deceit
useless
for cob threads launder
the image of images
adapting these to design of threads
Spider sewing unknown
even to itself
light of lights
of toad shattered moon
from rumpled waves
Of a moonlit pond

--andoy, 4 June 1986


Moonlight

Black Roses I Remember

I remember
Roses are black though others are of a color
Definite in stripe and glow
Roses, wild roses of no color save the dark innards of
meaningless thought
Of alleys smoky in air-vented stream
-- glorifying mist but emptiness of color
-- rising to forever but clouding the words instructions directions
Digression in another media of stilled figures
Dark memories I gather
With roses gone
Weeds

Red roses
Red roses of borrowed time and memory
Of borrowed being
Dying to wind-blown rained-out gutted fiery dust
Red roses black roses

Chinese tea I serve in memoriam dilute slowly picture-frames passing one by one
Ominously tortuously slow
Petals floating on visage screen skin of brown-dark tanned tea
In fragile porcelain of untarnished white of white
Bone
Hard as I had always known
Hard words
Hard
Hard annealed iron floating butterfly

Taunting teasing daring forgetfulness
Though remembrance remains as roses stand on vases green poised on every visible
corner of the round-eye world

Of roses black roses
Now only these
I remember

--andoy 1/June/1986





Black Roses I Remember

Men's Dorm

One of the oldest dorms on campus is the Men's Dorm (also called the Coed Dorm.) The dorm proper is composed of 5 residential buildings (called "units"), the kitchen and the Recreation Room. Fronting an area called the field or the quadrangle, it is set against the slope of the foothill of Mt. Makiling.

The main unit (also called Unit 1) is a 1950's style structure much like the old Baguio Dorm buildings. The library is located here as well as the admin offices. At the back of Unit 1 is the Men's kitchen. During the 1970's four new units were also created around Unit 1.

From an all-male dorm, Men's Dorm became co-ed during the 1970's. By the time I enrolled at UPLB, there were more women than men staying at the Men's Dorm. Three units were occupied by the ladies while Units 1 and 4 were reserved for the men.

And to think that on the next block is the Women's dorm with their own 4 of approximately the same size Units.

--andoy

Pili

Pili Drive is a straight 2-lane country road. Except for its location
it could be like any other 2-lane cement country road. It is the main
road from the main campus to IRRI and various other research
institutes. On both sides are rice fields dotted with other research
plots including those for mycenea patches for fertilizer. The
roadside is planted with pili trees. Usually, a research student
would be harvesting pili fruit every morning. Or, if not, students
pick the pili fruits from the ground.

The pili is an under-rated tropical fruit. More famous for the nuts,
the meat is very nutritious and is a natural de-wormer and
anti-diarrheal. The fruit is not eaten raw from the tree. Instead,
it is boiled, sliced, and dipped in salt (to taste) before putting to
mouth. The nuts are a different matter altogether. A lot of the dorm
room door hinges are loose because the students try to crack the nut
by banging it with door. Two things: either you get a pointed
projectile rocketing out the door, or if the nut was in the fulcrum,
the door hinges would give way. Those are tough nuts. With a
triangular cross-section and convex design, it is a very aerodynamic
projectile.

--andoy

Footpaths

The buildings of the campus represent the different eras of construction. There's the beige/off-white buildings with thick walls and supports, looking like a Diliman campus building. There's the various Leandro Locsin buildings strewn around campus. And of course, the American-era buildings which were created almost the same time as the Rice Research Institute.

Various statues dot the landscape. Maria Makiling atop a small gazebo-type with Roman columns. The Moore-like figures on one corner. The ruins of another old building at the back of the library. The Original Oblation which was transported here from Manila during the mid- 1980's. The carabaos near the fountains/carp ponds between the Development Communication building and the Admin. Approaching the campus from the main road, the carabaos are framed by the guard houses with the frescos. The palm trees lining the side roads further frames the picture and gives continuance to the theme. This is further enhanced by the palm trees along the road leading away and to the immediate campus.

The buildings within the immediate area look small and far between. The blocks are triangular further framing the landscape. Even the footpaths made by countless students, going straight from one building to another, look quaint and logical amid the non-rectilinear backdrop.

--andoy

How's the Carabao

The University campus is large. It is daunting to look at on the map. It should not even exist. But it does. It is so large, it practically includes it's own mountain, a forest preserve, and several international research institutions. And it's own ghosts. Of course