I called a friend of mine last Christmas and we had a long talk. She's in Connecticut right now doing her PhD research. Among topics of conversation, somehow it got to a discussion of nightmares, or of waking up in the middle of the night because you dreamed of someone. I freely admitted that I still woke up in the middle of the night because of one of our mutual friends named Reggie.
At the time we were what some would now call "friends with benefits." Meaning that I was not her boyfriend, nor she my girlfriend, because we had already broken up; we did not call ourselves lovers; and we had no commitment to one another. At that time we called it an "MU" (for "mutual understanding") or, less commonly, "MA" (for "mutual agreement".) Aye, there's the rub.
There was no commitment. As far as I knew there was an implied commitment, but no explicit commitment to that effect. Meaning that I didn't know if we were an item or not. It was fun, it was giddy. She was looking for me, when she needed me and I was looking for her on my free time. Well not really, there were instances wherein I keep forgetting about her. Sleeping early (before supper) and then waking up sometime after 9:00pm when the monitors have closed their paging service. I may have been remiss in some respects, however, we were very close, never argued. Well, there was this one time we did argue, but we made up immediately afterwards. We had a short "formal" relationship. And then, when we did not have the time to see one another (for about four days) we ended that relationship where we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It just ended amicably, and then we continued a longer relationship which was not really any different from the formal title. No commitment, however. And then it ended abruptly.
There was a Signal Number 3 storm during a Friday and we saw each other during the evening, in the middle of a power failure. It was wet and we just stayed in the dorm. Afterwards, we met briefly in the morning before I left for Manila. Sunday evening when I arrived back at Los Banos, I was left out in the cold as my best friend had taken my place.
It was that simple. No nothing. We tried to communicate. But it was a barrier between me and my best friend, and between me and my former girlfriend/"friend with benefits."
Since I left Los Banos in 1986, I only saw her three times. And in all these circumstances, I was prepared and in control. And I liked to be businesslike. To little effect. I've alwasy felt like I acted like a lost puppy dog whenever I was around her.
And until today, at odd days, there are instances when I wake up in the middle of the night without any reason whatsoever and think about her. I might not even be dreaming about her when I wake up, just that she'd be the person I'd be thinking of when I become conscious.
--andoy
15 February 2005
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