Hemp Republic

I was listening to the radio Saturday night and there was a song by a new band called Hemp Republic, titled "LB Nights." sounds cool. I think I'm going to get a copy of their album.

Their blog page is http://hemp-republic.blogspot.com


--andoy
25 April 2005

SHARE: "Désir et Désespoir" by Cielo Maaliw

Désir et Désespoir
-- Cielo Maaliw, 10 mars, 2005


Je ne sais plus ce que je fais.
Même se je me l'admettais,
je n'ose pas le lui dire
et même de le dire à voix haute
… que je l'aime.

Mais à chaque fois que je le dis
où même l'écrire
mon cœur se serre.
Je sens l'abîme étroite où je me trouve,
cette abîme de vérité,
de ce que je fais est de la folie
qui m'apportera de la désespoir et de la tristesse.
… je ne serais jamais sienne.


Mais j'aime ses baisers.
J'adore la sensation de son corps contre le mien
à chaque fois que nous nous tenions
dans les bras de l'un et l'autre.
Je chéris ses paroles remplis de convoitise
qui servent d'étincelle pour attiser le feu de désir
et qui remplis mon corps de langueur.
Je lui donne ce corps brûlant.

Mais ce qu'il ne sait pas
c'est qu'il a envoûtée mon âme
et que je me soule avec mon sang,
drogué avec l'envie de l'embrasser.
Il m'hypnotise avec ses touchés
quand ses mains errent ma peau
ce que me rend confuse avec l'idée
que j'ai besoin de lui'
Que j'ai besoin de lui en moi
Comme si chacun de ses va-et-vient me réanimera ;
Que mon cœur battra de nouveau
et que ma vie se remplira avec cette chaleur
si humaine et si intense,
que j'ai cru que le destin me l'y avait privé.
Je me fais des délires.
Il ne sera jamais mien.


Translation:
I no longer know what I do.
Even if I admit it to myself,
I dare not tell him
and even to say it out loud
... that I love him.

But each time I say it
or even write it,
my heart clenches.
I feel that I am in this narrow inferno [1],
this inferno of truth
that what I do is folly
which would bring me sorrow and despair [2].
... I will never be his.

But I like his kisses.
I love the feeling of his body against mine
each time we would be [3]
in each other's arms.
I cherish his lustful words
which makes sparks to light the fire of desire
and fills my body with lust.
I give him this searing flesh.

But what he doesn't know
is that he has possessed my soul
and that I'm drunk with my [own] blood
drugged with the want to kiss him.
He hypnotizes me with his touches
when his hands roam my skin
which leads me to this vague notion
that I need him.
I need him inside me,
as if each of his thrusts would bring me back to life; [4]
That my heart would beat again
and that my life would be filled with this warmth,
so human and so intense,
that I believed destiny had deprived me of.
I am fooling myself [5]
I will never be his.


Author's Notes:
This was originally written in French in your typical boring paragraph. I then decided to give verses a try. During translation, I took note of the techniques I learned during Latin class: that the literal translation of one word doesn't exactly translate the idea and context the writer wishes to convey. I could also say that I "rewrote" the poem in English to express the right mood -- and believe me, I didn't do this in 5 minutes! I present to you then, my (foot)notes:

1. "I feel that I am in this narrow inferno" -- I am aware that "abime" translates to "abyss"; but since I am mostly referring to desire, I immediately remembered Dante's "Inferno" and his second 2nd Level (The Lustful), and settled on that word for my translation. "Enfer" in French just sounds too dirty and negative to me. My translation's contradictive, yes.

2. "which would bring me sorrow and despair " -- I've inverted the words for impact; a little tribute to coined terms in English literature.

3. "each time we would be; in each other's arms" -- the literal translation of the corresponding phrase would be "each time we would hold each other; in each other's arms"; question of redundancy.

4. "as if each of his thrusts would bring me back to life" -- sexual innuendo and parallelism with CPR. Enough said.

5. "I am fooling myself" -- I initially wanted to write, "Je me fais des illusions", but "delires" was more of a tribute to Neil Gaiman (if you've noticed, I have 4 out of 7 of the Endless here -- missed out on Death, Dream and Destruction); but "I'm making myself delirious" doesn't sound nice and doesn't have the same idea as the original version.

-=0=-

Cielo is a French-speaking agent with a world-wide account (Pixela) at C-Cube. She is also a full-time student currently enrolled at UP.

--andoy
25 April 2005

Changes to the Blog...(abangan)

I have not been posting so much in this blog lately. I think I would be re-orienting the posts on this blog to something more. I'd like to post current poems here. Not just my own, but also some of my friends. I'm still in the planning stage, though.


--andoy
21 April 2005

Sometimes I Wake Up From A Sound Sleep Shaking

I called a friend of mine last Christmas and we had a long talk. She's in Connecticut right now doing her PhD research. Among topics of conversation, somehow it got to a discussion of nightmares, or of waking up in the middle of the night because you dreamed of someone. I freely admitted that I still woke up in the middle of the night because of one of our mutual friends named Reggie.

At the time we were what some would now call "friends with benefits." Meaning that I was not her boyfriend, nor she my girlfriend, because we had already broken up; we did not call ourselves lovers; and we had no commitment to one another. At that time we called it an "MU" (for "mutual understanding") or, less commonly, "MA" (for "mutual agreement".) Aye, there's the rub.

There was no commitment. As far as I knew there was an implied commitment, but no explicit commitment to that effect. Meaning that I didn't know if we were an item or not. It was fun, it was giddy. She was looking for me, when she needed me and I was looking for her on my free time. Well not really, there were instances wherein I keep forgetting about her. Sleeping early (before supper) and then waking up sometime after 9:00pm when the monitors have closed their paging service. I may have been remiss in some respects, however, we were very close, never argued. Well, there was this one time we did argue, but we made up immediately afterwards. We had a short "formal" relationship. And then, when we did not have the time to see one another (for about four days) we ended that relationship where we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It just ended amicably, and then we continued a longer relationship which was not really any different from the formal title. No commitment, however. And then it ended abruptly.

There was a Signal Number 3 storm during a Friday and we saw each other during the evening, in the middle of a power failure. It was wet and we just stayed in the dorm. Afterwards, we met briefly in the morning before I left for Manila. Sunday evening when I arrived back at Los Banos, I was left out in the cold as my best friend had taken my place.

It was that simple. No nothing. We tried to communicate. But it was a barrier between me and my best friend, and between me and my former girlfriend/"friend with benefits."

Since I left Los Banos in 1986, I only saw her three times. And in all these circumstances, I was prepared and in control. And I liked to be businesslike. To little effect. I've alwasy felt like I acted like a lost puppy dog whenever I was around her.

And until today, at odd days, there are instances when I wake up in the middle of the night without any reason whatsoever and think about her. I might not even be dreaming about her when I wake up, just that she'd be the person I'd be thinking of when I become conscious.

--andoy

15 February 2005

The Onion

There is one drinking session I cannot forget. It was with some guys from the Cordillera we were sitting on the curbside of a subdivision just outside the campus. And we were drinking a "lapad" of rum or whiskey, I'm not sure what that was. I've forgotten some details like what we were drinking. We had the drink and we had tap water in a pitcher for chaser. And for "pulutan" we had a large white onion. It was quartered, you ate a piece, followed with a shot of the drink, and the chaser.

I could taste the onion up to two weeks afterwards.

--andoy
16 January 2005

Cloudy Skies and Rain

I frown on dewy mirror

 hazy

 and reflecting my own

  ugly contorted image



Dark day black day

 as I walk out

  and drench myself


Where tears

 disappear

  in the falling rain



--andoy, 25 April 1989

Room, Rooming, Roomed

Figure
Figures
Fig-
 
  ures
    naked in the dust
Dust covered
 
            bodies
   
naked out of lust
Dawn
Dawn
    dawning
light
    fleeing
         
    aflight
Towards
    dusk
and
the dank smell of musk

The dark
    covers
them
cowerign cowards
Refuge
Refugee
   
from day's
    forsaken womb
Tandem
   
groping in nether light
Lamp
    Lamp and its
broken night

Lover's flagon
    dragon-seed
of doom
Caress
Caresses
    the need of the
moon-
         lit cavern
Whence
come
    Love's tender swoon
Comuppance
 
  of kisses exchanged
Hands
Hands
Hand-
 
  some couple
    communing
With
all-encompassing hunger
Driving forth
   
forthwith withdrawn
    machine-like
thrusts
Lance-
    and rapier-like
   
     lunge

Sounds
   
soundless gasps
Breathing
    breathe's
breadth
    parting
    panting after
it
Sounds
    echo and echo
   
with nonesuch
Sounds
    of love
   
     and lust
Echo
Echoing
   
deafening in the silence
of their lovemaking
   
     cast

Soft
Soft-
   
ly speaking bodies
Tongues of fire
    dancing
 
       whirling
A wind
   
winded

Tensed
Supple
Supple-
   
menting one another's
Rhythmic
       
 pendulum
of softness
       
 tensing
Tensed
    receiving from
tension
Bearing noises up high

Up
Up
Up-
 
  on an aerie
           
       they swoop
       
                down
 
            and down-
   
and down-
               
   wards
    they descend
   
     plummeting
       
 surrendering
       
 neverending
Dance
Dances
Danc-
   
ing primitive dances
Thin-
Thinking
   
primitive thoughts

Tear
Tear
Tear-
   
ing to wear
The spring
    winds
   
     down
A breeze
   
flutters
Manageable momentum
    atop an
 
       eagle's nest
Within
   
the earth's
    bosom and breast

The head
 
       falls
       
 and necks
         graceful
swan's necks
Converge
         to
meet
Lips
         and tongues
 
       upon mouth and teeth

Dizzy
 
  dizzy
         dizzy-
 
            ingly
Dazzled

--andoy, 5 December 1983

There Was A Girl Whose Eyes I Saw

One
night was I was walking
    I saw a pair of
eyes
Dark Orbs
    suspended in life
   
timeless
And deep
Far looking deep
Flickering like a
candle

Speaking unknown words
Undecipherable of
meaning
    It held
    and kept
 
  and locked
Me away
Transporting me far
   
to where I have always been
But near to where
   
I should have hope to ever be
It closed
   
turned to look elsewhere
I turned
    and closed
to look somewhere
    anywhere but the prison I'm
held to

By dark orbs
Speaking something captivating
 
  yet I don't fully understand

--andoy, 22 August 1985

Gandalf

I first heard of Gandalf during the summer term after my first year. My friend Glenn narrated the story of the "Lord of the Rings" and the "Silmarillion" one evening while we were sitting in the field in front of Men's Dorm.

After that, I borrowed "The Lord of the Rings" from the library, and kept on borrowing it and re-reading the novel. When Unwin re-released the book, I was able to buy my own copy of the novel. Sad to say, the Unwin copies I owned got lost because some friends borrowed and did not return them. There was one volume, though, Volume III Return of the King, which another friend borrowed and replaced with a different (not Unwin) reprinting. That particular volume, I still have with me. And it has two bookmarkers: a bus ticket to Los Banos, and a Summer 1981 Registration Form (also called Form 5).

--andoy
30 December 2004

Baker Hall III (Marlo's Graduation Swim)

My friend Marlo was several years ahead of me. When he was finally confirmed for graduation, he celebrated with his friends and org-mates at one of the drinking places just outside the campus. They walked home to their respective dorms around midnight and while passing by the Administration building there was some jostling near the fountains forcing Marlo into the water. Since most of them were already wet, they decided to have a swim at Baker Hall.

Since it was April, it was quite warm, and his clothes were wet, he walked to the dorm in his briefs carrying his wet clothes. It just so happened that the guard on duty was Aleli. It was 2:00 in the morning, Marlo was dripping wet, walking to the dorm in his shorts and the lady guard was on duty. Pity I wasn't there to see that. That would have been fun.

Who cares? Marlo was out of there. And Aleli was a good sport. You wouldn't want to tangle with her though.

--andoy

Walking Around The Oval II

There was one instance when there was a typhoon which hit the country. It was already Signal No. 3 and there were still classes because somebody forgot to tell the students and teachers. Anyway, the students were just living within the campus so there was no need to tell them that classes were suspended. After the suspension of classes was confirmed, there were no jeeps plying the campus anyway so everyone had to walk. There were no jeeps because there were no passengers to begin with, and there were trees which have already fallen and blocked the streets.

Having nothing to do, me and my friends walked around the oval just for the heck of it. It was not everyday that you were walking around campus in the middle of a storm, with branches falling from trees to the streets and sidewalks. Cheap thrills, really.

After 20 years, I don't remember what we discussed. I do know that one of those I was perambulating with was Rach. It was a crazy afternoon, we were all wet, the dorms had no running water, and no electricity on campus. She was taunting me because even if she was wearing a jacket, her t-shirt was drenched. She would open her jacket and show her wet t-shirt, "Andoy, look."

After 20 years, I forget if I did look or not. I guess I did not, because if I did I would have remembered.

--andoy

Walking Around The Oval (Part I)

The oval is the large block of land fronting the Men's Dorm and Women's Dorm. Around the oval are other dorms, Baker's Hall, the Student Union and the Auditorium. For all intents and purposes, it is an empty piece of land, principally used as the February Fair grounds and for the Graduation Ceremonies. On one end, it has a football pitch, a softball diamond AND a baseball diamond.

A great promenade place to walk around in as well as for jogging. Roughly around 800 meters around, joggers go around it almost in all hours. I've even had the opportunity to run around it at midnight with some friends. The only problem about the oval is that it not a tree-lined or shaded block. Maybe when the trees grow tall enough.

Most times though, this is where we walk and talk. Maybe two or three times around the block and me and my friends would find a place to sit down, maybe near the middle of the block, and continue talking for hours. One of my friends narrated to me the Silmarilion, while we were under the stars, sitting on the field. Couples normally just sit there on the field, staking out a portion of land as witness to sweet nothings.

--andoy, 5 December 2004

Ang Bundok

These are scanned images of the "Ang Bundok" playbill. It was staged in February,. 1984. That was an interesting time, school year 1983 to 1984. Almost like the ancient chinese curse. "May you live in interesting times."

--andoy

Counsellors

I became a member of several organizations on-campus. One of these was called Student Counselors Organization. This was originally created by the Student Affairs office to properly handle, orient and guide freshmen. Freshmen were enrolled in blocks, ensuring that these new students would the same faces as classmates for all of their first semester classes, and if they were lucky, also for the second semester. The blocks themselves were composed of students who were taking up the same course. This had the added effect of making sure that they would have a support group for their complete stay in the university and beyond.

When the notion of block counselors started out, there were several groups which had their own agenda. The guidance counselors wanted to develop student leaders and student activism. On the other hand, the various university organizations also had their agenda, that of handling students of the same course or college as a recruitment pool once the freshmen became eligible for membership.

The Student Counselors Organization was formed by several counselors who saw a need for a more independent and mature group of people who would undergo training in group handling and peer counseling. The ideals were met but the individual agenda was not something easily eradicated or hindered. Individual counselors still used the
counselling experience to filter possible candidates for their other organizations. There are rules in place which does not allow organizations to recruit freshmen members. During the second year however, it's open season for recruitment. The counselors are not supposed to be positioning their organizations, but some use their
influence with their blocks so the students would be applying in these other organizations.

--andoy

Sitting Under a Tree

At the University of the Philippines there is a maximum residency
rule. It means that a student has to finish his course in at most
one-and-a-half times the prescribed period (excluding leaves of
absences also called LOA). This means that if you are enrolled in a
four-year course, you have to finish it in a maximum of six years.
And if enrolled in a five-year course, the student has to finish in
seven and a half years. This was instituted during the mid-1970's to
curb eternal students who just also happen to be political activists.

There was a notable exception to that rule, however. If you were
already enrolled prior to the implementation of the rule, then you are
exempt from it. Which is what one of the dorm residents was. Antoy
had on his seventh-year going on eighth when I first was introduced to
him. He was taking up Agriculture and majoring in Agronomy or Animal
Husbandry. If he was a farmer, the farm might have been in the middle
of Tondo. I don't even know what province he came from, and I never
heard him speak in anything but Tagalog. Not even when drunk did he
speak in English. He makes it a point to scare off freshmen during
the first semester. Just for fun.

He once pointed to a tree in front of the dorm, by then it was around
fifteen or twenty feet tall with benches around it so the students can
sit under its shade, and casually mentioned that it was planted during
his freshman year. Last I heard from him he was working in a
crocodile farm in Palawan. And you needed to ride the company
helicopter to get there.

The tree itself was several steps from the dorm entrance. And it was
quite common to see people sitting under it at almost all hours of the
day (or night). There was one instance when I was sitting with a
friend talking about things or not talking about anything for that
matter. With friends, talking or not talking is much the same in most
respects. As it was near the entrance we didn't much pay attention to
the noise or the music. There was music and we were hearing it.
Again, not paying any attention, we thought that the music was from
the covered walkway where someone might by playing a flute or
recorder. It did not sound like taped music, as it would stop and
play, hesitate and trying to find the right notes. Whoever was
playing the flute or recorder, knew how to play and enjoyed playing
it. After some time, my friend and I got up and walked back inside
the dorm. And as we got to the entrance (just a heartbeat away,
really) we looked back at the bench to see if we left anything.
Looking up at the sky, we saw above on one of the branches was the
source of the background music, another dorm resident playing his
recorder.

--andoy

Archery Practice

Baker Hall III

One of those lazy afternoons I joined a friend of mine shoot some arrows. He taught me how to notch the arrow, and position my arm (and elbow) so'd the string would not scrape my skin. Archery is not a trivial sport. It asks the archer to pay attention to details, at the very beginning when you first hold the bow. Archery teaches an object lesson in life. Hold tight, draw tight, turn your elbow tight, and let go. You don't hold tight, the bow bounces back to you. You don't draw tight, the arrow will not fly. You don't turn your elbow in, you get your skin scraped.

And then there's the level of difficulty in archery at UPLB: it's at the second floor (or balcony) of Baker Hall. If the arrow does strays it either flies out the window to the outdoor basketball court, or it strays to the indoor basketball court on the first floor.

I was too busy concentrating on my elbow, not to notice my score. Good thing that the arrows hit the target. No bull's eye though, just safely hitting the target without incident is enough for me.

I never did go back and shoot any more arrows with my friend.

--andoy

Love Songs

Love songs are blunt
nowadays
Actually saying nothing but
take me
take me away
It doesn't matter
For even before the song is sung
the meaningless sets in
takes away
the love
and the song

Ending in a howl or a cry
of sexual satisfaction
or of heartbroken
and frontal rejection

Love songs echo the generation
and even as a spurned lover
sings
and cries
in a corner
of his room his world
his
or hers
cries too usually
in a corner

At the cruelty
meted out
at the partnership

Cries and moans
presently mean more
and stand for
Love songs useless

--andoy, 21 September 1987

The Days Pass in Silent Agony

The days pass
in silent agony
of anticipation

For only so often
do we see
each other now
and sometimes
the absence is too long

And the days pass
and teh day comes
and we walk
together basking
in each other's glow
of expentant silence
punctuated
by knowing glances
and sly peeks
at one another

Vanity seeps through
as we prance
infront of each other
and of everyone else

Letting the public know
who we are
and what we are

And the day ends
safe in each other's
company
as we hug in secret
in the secrecy
of our one safe haven
that of our nearness
each in thought

The days will pass
and another opportunity
will arise
the days will pass
in longing
and in remembrance

--andoy, 21 September 1987

Lost People

Lost people
dazed eyes peering blindly on a rubble
of stones documenting civilized world
as it ended

All in a heap of stones and burned stumps

Lost people
forgetting the word
Survival
for they are that
Suspended from their thoughts
another word more timely more natural
Recosntruction

Builders after a fashion
And only after succeeding time
has frozen disbelief
forever etched
Treachery forever etched
In lost people's eyes

--andoy, 21 September 1987

I Love You and More

I love you
but the words fall empty
in these empty halls of longing
nothing means anything

I love you and I love you
and more and more

--andoy, 13 August 1987